Madam Kighal's Astrology

Open mouth, spit out Louboutin. At 5:33 EST/2:33 PST Mercury retrograde, that three-week week beast of a technology scrambling, social capital destroying, traffic jamming transit—is over. Ovah. O-V-A-H.

Here are a few things it will be preeeetty much safe to do, now that the planet of communication, technology and transportation is moving along at a brisk forward clip once again.

Of course, Mercury retrograde has a “shadow” period, so you may still feel the effects for a couple of weeks (until June 28 this time) while the mischievous planet straightens itself out. Naughty children weren’t reformed in an hour, you know.

But still, go on and liberate yourself from these retrograde burdens because later today, Mercury is direct (forward)—and this is a safe space. Maybe like this:

1. Upgrade your iPhone to iOs-whatever.

(Really, Apple? We are fairly certain Pisces Steve Jobs would never approve a software update during Mercury retrograde and is soul-shaming you from tech-bubble heaven.)

2. Go somewhere.

If you’ve been wearing the Mercury retrograde bodysuit—or a symbolic version—slide out of that itchy knitwear and leave the house. In a vehicle. On a bike. By plane. If it has wheels, you can ride it now. Whee!

3. Keep it real.

Tell your friend in, like, the most loving and honest way, that you really, really dislike their haircut, gum snapping, heavy breathing, Grammys interrupting, or whatever [insert obnoxious habit here]. Breathe a sigh of relief when they FINALLY don’t suspect that you really mean you want to sleep with them or steal their job.

Here, some awesome tips from our friend Saige Winters:

4. Sign your name.

Believe the hype—unless you were born during Mercury retrograde (find out by doing a chart here), and even if you were, some of the contracts, leases, deals and whatnot that get inked during Mercury retrograde can turn out to be seriously flawed down the line, unless you really, REALLY read the fine print.

5. Tell a fantastical story.

Go on, regale your audience with tales from that time with the helicopter and your heroic escape. Share it on national news, even. The truth won’t leak out until the next Mercury retrograde.

6. Get creative: find a new excuse for screwing up.

The delayed train and traffic gridlock has no ready source of blame. You were late. You sexted your client instead of your crush. You dropped your phone in the toilet and there’s no Apple insurance for that (see item 1 re: Steve Jobs #RIP). And now you can’t pin it on the planets. Damn, damn, DAMN. “Mercury is retrograde” won’t cut it anymore.

Thanx to fabulous Astro Twins